Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
