Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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