rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
