I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
