you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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