Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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