I accidentally burped into my bong.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
