I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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