Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
