This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
