I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
