Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
