Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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