What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
