Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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