Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
