just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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