I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
should my penis look like a turkey
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
