Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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