i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
