I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
