I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my being single is dangerous.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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