I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
