omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
