how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
