i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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