did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We left the knife in your bed.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
