I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
