I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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