I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
