Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
