He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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