So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
