Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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