Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
