I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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