it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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