she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
