i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
