So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
