How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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