You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
