I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
