Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
