I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
