I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My penis needs a shock collar
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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