There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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