Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I think I died a long time ago.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
