he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
