How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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