Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
