I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
