Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
