what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
