i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
