She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
