We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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