no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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